The Flip Side of Therapy

It’s fashionable to be in therapy these days. Unlike the previous generation, youngsters and adults alike have no qualms in reaching out for help and the stigma around mental health is also on the wane. All good news.

But the flip side of this has been the increasing phenomenon of ‘therapy’ speak in the lives of youngsters, specially children. Emotional check-ins, DIY guides, Instagram reels on emotions, the popularization of the term ‘trauma’ and the overall celebrative tone while exhorting everyone to be in therapy are some features of our age.

The generation of my parents saw the Republic faced with two major wars. Electricity was erratic, telephones were a luxury, entertainment was limited to the radio and the cinema, jobs were scarce, and the threat of nuclear Armageddon was a reality thanks to the Cold War. Yet they thrived. Today’s youth end up in therapy when they read about CO2 emissions. Few in my generation used the term ‘childhood trauma’ to describe the tough authoritative parenting styles they endured. Being denied then available luxuries weren’t seen as aggressions affecting their well-being.

In Bad Therapy: Why the Kids Aren’t Growing Up, Abigail Shrier makes a strong case for parents to take control of their kids’ lives from the clutches of school counselors and therapists. When someone asks a child on her level of sadness, his relationship with his parents, if she’s felt sad, if he’s ever felt like leaving his family, it’s a no-brainer that the kid is going to fall into a vortex of rumination and depression.

“People think that if a young guy comes from a disorderly or deprived environment, he should be held to low standards. This is misguided. He should be held to high standards. Otherwise, he will sink to the level of his environment.”

 This message is somehow getting lost down the way. Parents go out of the way to create friction-less environments for their children, regulate their friendships, moderate disagreements with their playmates, praise them to no end for every mundane task they accomplish and go the extra mile to ensure that everyone around is informed of how ‘sensitive’ their children are.

Shrier’s take down of Gabor Maté was brutal. In case you don’t know, Maté is one of the most influential voices in popularizing the concept of trauma among the masses. Shrier describes Mate as the ‘family physician turned trauma guru who charged the public $33.09 to watch a live-stream of his therapy session with Prince Harry’. According to Maté, all of us are damaged goods. And we all need help—the help of therapists.

As someone who dabbles in coaching, here’s my two cents on this issue. Therapy involves a deep excavation of one’s past. They thrive on ‘unearthing’ childhood hurts, slights experienced and insults endured. Coaching, on the other hand, has a forward-oriented approach. After a point, the effort must be only on equipping the client to take responsibility and make hard choices. And probably here-in lies the crux of the issue – the reality of the human condition. We are free because we can choose. But every choice comes with a sense of responsibility and the anxieties about the choices left behind and the paths un-embarked upon. It is this existential angst that gnaws at us. Talk to a coach who understands this instead of countless hours of therapy.

If you’re considering seeking help, do explore therapists or coaches who are trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) which is a more hands on, practical and exercise-based approach to conquering your thoughts which are often the root cause of the havoc in your mind. The ‘Happiness’ literature also has sufficient evidence to back some of their strategies – being in a state of flow, breaking patterns of rumination, being goal oriented etc. Will write on this someday.

If you’re a parent, it is also useful to remember that despite all your efforts, your kids will still find your parenting unremarkable and short of their expectations. Philip Larkin summed this up well half a century ago, when he wrote:

Jonathan Haidt had recently concluded that if you’re a woman and left liberal, the odds of being depressed are higher. Empathy, compassion and the ideology of fairness can end up playing mayhem with one’s mind. Identifying these patterns may also be useful. (Haidt has extensively written on the influence of society on our minds and I would encourage you to read more of his work. He also has a book on the ‘Anxious Generation’ coming out later this month).

Join all these dots and one can argue that therapy is not a magic pill it’s made out to be. It’s often about alienation, love, loneliness, social media (pls uninstall Instagram if you’re reading this), a lack of purpose and such other stuff. Having friends with whom one can have deep conversations can be a starting point.

Featured image is from here.