Feminism in Domesticity

Norman Rush’s ‘Mating’ was a complex, long read. A nameless female anthropologists razor sharp views on life, love and relationships set in the Kalahari during the Reagan era had some fantastic feminist takes on domesticity and love:

I had to realize that the male idea of successful love is to get a woman into a state of secure dependency which the male can renew by a touch or pat or gesture now and then while he reserves his major attention for his work in the world or the contemplation of the various forms of surrogate combat men find so transfixing. I had to realize that female-style love is servile and petitionary and moves in the direction of greater and greater displays of servility whose object is to elicit from the male partner a surplus—the word was emphasized in some way—of face-to-face attention. So on the distaff side the object is to reduce the quantity of servile display needed to keep the pacified state between the mates in being. Equilibrium or perfect mating will come when the male is convinced he is giving less than he feels is really required to maintain dependency and the woman feels she is getting more from him than her servile displays should merit.

And:

Doing dishes when N came up behind me and began feeling me up, friendlily. I said You may not be aware of the first commandment of feminism, so may I tell you? By all means. It’s Don’t grab or fondle the beloved’s private parts when her hands are occupied, especially when they’re menially occupied. This is not a rebuke, just a word to the wise. He stopped immediately and apologized. I said Usually it happens that men do it when the beloved is cooking or at the sink, suggesting that the sight of a woman engaging in domesticity is aphrodisiac. He said he thought the first commandment of feminism had to do with never using the imperative form to a woman unless she was in the path of a runaway bus. I was pushing the edges of our paradigm by using the term beloved. It went by unnoticed.

The idea of Intimate Comedy:

Causing active ongoing pleasure in your mate is something people tend to restrict to the sexual realm or getting attractive food on the table on time, but keeping permanent intimate comedy going is more important than any other one thing

While the idea of marriage is centered on possession, exclusive rights, and unwritten codes of dos and don’ts, being able to reimagine the space as one where policing each other’s bodies is not the norm can be liberating. This too is a form of ‘intimate comedy’.

Henry Oliver has a detailed review of Mating in which he also compares it with Naipaul’s works on Africa.