Helicopter Parenting

My daughters are ten and seven. In other words, they have just under a decade of their childhood remaining. As a parent, I have so far inculcated no noteworthy skill nor nurtured any particular talent in them. Not that I haven’t tried. The basketball coach lost his job, Bharatnatyam was ‘boring’, the art teacher’s husband fell ill and the guitar sir suffered a slipped disc. Now all they pursue are the weekly Malayalam lessons and the Scratch classes over the weekend. (Don’t ask me what Scratch is, I don’t know).

On the other hand, I have friends who move heaven and earth transforming their children, chipping away at the stone to let the sculpture emerge, making their raw talent shine.  Vishwanath Anand’s mom was foundational in honing his chess skills while raising him in the Philippines. TM Krishna was trained in Carnatic music from the age of three. The highlight of Tendulkar’s farewell speech was his homage to his parents and aunt for their sacrifices.

From an evolutionary perspective, the fundamental attribute of being a parent is in ensuring the continuation of your genes. In our modern world, this goes beyond providing just food and shelter. Social desirability emerges from being eligible for the job market and the ‘marriage market’. (A good marriage co-relates to greater happiness and hence higher social capital). So, parenting must be geared towards ensuring these boxes get checked. For many, the easiest road is emulation. Sports coaching academies, robotics classes, language tutors, music institutions are all important and play a crucial role in making a community vibrant. But a deeper introspection on what drives parents to push their children to these spaces is probably warranted. How often is it from a genuine desire to inculcate an appreciation of the liberal arts? And as an adult, isn’t the pursuit of all liberal arts driven by a sense of ennui and a confrontation with the void that we encounter after our working hours? Is it this existential skill that we’re trying to instill in our kids? Or all that we want is nothing but to bask in the temporary afterglow of their academic and sporting achievements?

The corollary to this issue can (should?) be: “Why should all creative pursuits be initiated only in childhood?”

How many of us dabble in learning new skills, hobbies or sports after entering the labour market. I personally know friends who have rediscovered Odissi and Kathak in their 30s and are deeply immersed in it. A former colleague and mentor has begun learning Hindustani music at the cusp of 70. Joseph Conrad learnt English at the age of 21 and wrote his works in this second language.

If you’re reading this and have always rued the missed opportunities of picking up skills as a child due to your parents’ omissions (or commissions), there’s nothing stopping you from pursuing them now. And if you believe, its all too late now, then it probably was nothing but a vanity projection of your mind all this while.

And if you’re a parent, its perfectly ok to let your children while away their time doing nothing. Make them kind, empathetic, curious and gritty. Things will be fine. Paraphrasing Alan de Botton: “The epitome of good parenting lies in not expecting your children to become anything particular in life”.